Something shocking and life altering happened back in May. I was informed that I, Lance Cartelli, won an Emmy Award. No, no, that wasn't the shocking and life altering part. That belongs to the fact I wasn't even invited to the Emmy Awards ceremony. Since my invitation must've gotten lost in the mail, along with the big shiny bastard that arrived four months later I affectionately call "Emmy" (creative, I know), I have decided to take this time to thank all the special people in my life, who haven't won Emmy's like I have.
I don't hear any music playing so I shall take my time.
"Thank you. Thank you. No, please, you don't have to clap, scream AND whistle. You all are too gracious. I really don't deserve all this applause. Oh, now you guys are standing? Geez, this is rather overwhelming."
Ten minutes later...
"You guys are still going? Wow."
An hour later...
"SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS HAVE TO STOP! WHY AREN'T YOUR HANDS HURTING FROM CLAPPING SO MUCH? THAT GUY'S HANDS ARE SO RED. SIR, YOU HAVE TO STOP CLAPPING. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
"Ahhhh finally. Thank you. I really want to get into deep, deep detail about all the special people who have touched me throughout my life that led me to this day. This day... Yes, this day is one of my finest moments. Not as fine as the day I actually won my Emmy, but still, it's up there. Maybe you'll understand one day.
"This isn't just a resume booster, this propels me into the stratosphere of Emmy Award-winners. I join the likes of the cast and crew of "Two and Half Men" in the Emmy fraternity of brothers and sisters who have poured, blood and tears into their craft. No longer can I go by my God-given white name of Lance Cartelli. Like Cassius Clay's move to Muhammad Ali, my gravestone will read: Lance "Emmy Winner" Cartelli, Son, Friend, Gracious Lover, Emmy Award-winner, Hero. I don't even care if that's repetitive.
"Now, I know what you are asking yourself: What will Lance "Emmy Winner" Cartelli do next? And to them I reply, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business, chief?' There have been talks about a "30 for 30" based on my life, so I can win another Emmy. I'm also in the process of Inceptioning the producers of "Game of Thrones" so I can go for the EGoT. Not the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony but the Emmy and appearing (and dying) on "GoT." But now, it's all history and by that I mean, I'm a historical figure.
"I can't say enough about all the people who have helped me on my way to this accomplishment, so why even say anything at all?
"But now it's time for me to stand up straight and bid you all adieu. No seriously, you have to have proper posture, it's in the Emmy handbook."
Here's to the speech that nobody wanted, but everyone expected.
- Lance "Emmy Winner' Cartelli