It couldn't be.
No. Not Lamar.
As word spread that Lamar Odom, the heart and soul of the Lakers a decade ago, or better known now as the former Kardashian reality star, was in a coma after allegedly overdosing on drugs at a Nevada brothel, I was heartbroken. Odom has long fought his demons, but this was different. Odom is in fight for his life.
But not a moment too soon, there was a ray of sunshine. A glimmer of hope, if I may, that shined on Lamar Odom as he laid on that Nevada hospital bed. That angel's name is Khloe Kardashian, the reality star and future ex-wife of Odom.
Once it was reported that Odom and Kardashian's divorce wouldn't be finalized for another two months, it became clear that Khloe made the decisions over Odom's life. (Yes, it's true. No, I can't believe it either). At first, I thought the only thing a Kardashian should be in control of is her outfit of the day (#ootd). But I was dead wrong.
The Kardashian Klan invaded that Nevada hospital with all that they know: cameras and their undying love. And apparently it was all that LO needed.
That's right. It took just three days of being with Khloe to fight his way out of a life-threatening coma, and improve his dire condition. He responded to his estranged wife's cry of "I love you" with a "Hi." Great, another typical guy who refuses to say "I love you" back. Am I right, ladies?
Come coma or high water, LO better be saying "I love you" back to his future ex-wife, and the woman that controls his life decisions (don’t all women?).
But I digress. This miracle can mean only one thing: Khloe, of all people, is divine.
That's right. She's female Jesus (referred to so forth as "Fesus").
Fesus and the fellow Kardashians are taking this situation so seriously that they have gone to extreme measures to show us how seriously they are taking this.
"As a family we've decided to hold off on publishing content across our apps while we continue to support and pray for Lamar" - The Kardashians (and probably Kanye West)
You know who else didn't post on social media or their apps? You guessed it: Jesus.
Not only will her new ability make for a great episode for Fesus when we're Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but think of all the good she can finally do. She can visit local hospitals and cure the sick. She can lead her newfound religion to heights that only Scientology has reached. She can unite us all behind the future President of the United States, Donald Trump. Trump/Fesus 2016!
At last, a Kardashian with actual talent.
Khloe. Remember: With great power comes great responsibility. I beg of you. Use this power wisely as we all pray for Lamar Odom.
- LC