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Could the Night King be a starting QB in the NFL?
Following the perhaps the DUMBEST episode in “Game of Thrones” history. I felt profound sadness. And I had a plethora of questions.
Why would the Snowceans 7 crew go beyond the Wall for a suicide mission that needlessly ended with a dragon dying? Why did the "GoT" Showrunners decide to ruin Arya? HOW IS LITTLEFINGER STILL ALIVE? Why doesn’t Tormund get his own spinoff following the lives of he, Brienne of Tarth and their adorable monster-warrior ginger babies? Where did Daenerys Targaryen get that dope winter sweater?
But the most important question has to be, could the Night King start in the NFL?
In a league littered with shitty QBs* such as Blake Bortles, Blaine Gabbert and Mike Bercovici—yes, those are real people—all I needed to see were two throws to confirm my suspicions. After studying his tape, aka rewatching the scene while trying to avoid crying like a baby like I’m watching the movie Click again, I have a full scouting report breaking down the Night King’s strengths and weaknesses.
*By the way, Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a job.
Strengths:
Arm Strength
The Night King clearly has a laser, rocket arm. Not only does the evil incarnate toss his ice javelin spear what looks to be hundreds of yards but he also leads his receiver (Viserion) to the catch. And by catch, I mean he hits our beloved dragon right in the neck. Viserion didn’t even see it coming, now that’s arm strength. You’ve got to keep your head on a swivel or you’ll become an ice dragon in this deadly game (of thrones).
I’d like to see the Night King improve on his touch, but talent evaluators drool over that kind of arm talent.
Mechanics
Arm strength means nothing if you don’t have the mechanics to get the ball (spear) where it needs to go. The Night King shows masterful mechanics by using his left arm to telegraph his intended target but the pass gets there. No wasted motion from the ole Night King. He telegraphs where the pass is going, sure, but I'd like to see a defense try to intercept one of his passes.
Durability
Durability is a huge factor for QBs. If you can’t stay on the field, then you’re destined to be the next RGIII. But there’s no need to worry about the Night King’s injury risk.
The dude can take a hit, mainly because the only thing that can hurt him is Valyrian steel. And even a pass rusher such as Von Miller doesn’t carry Valyrian steel with him—potentially a major violation of NFL rules. Your move, Tom Brady.
Weaknesses:
Accuracy
In the NFL, accuracy is one of the most important aspects a QB can possess. If you can’t complete passes, then you don’t deserve to be on the field.
The Night King’s first pass was immaculate. If this was a skills competition, then he would’ve hit the bullseye. However, his second throw left a lot to be desired.
This isn’t a rookie that we’re talking about here. The Night King has been around for centuries. If he hasn’t learned by now, then he’ll never be an accurate passer. Fifty percent just won’t get it done in Westeros.
Decision Making
This one had me dumbfounded. The Night King has Drogon—with Dany and the rest of Snowceans 7 in tow—in his crosshairs, but he inexplicably decided to go to his second read, the much smaller Viserion. That’s just poor decision making on his part.
Viserion, thanks to Dany’s mismanagement and lack of development of her babies, is clearly the weakest of the dragons. Not only that, but Drogon was stationary. He’s a much bigger (and easier) target to hit. That’s a Bortles-like decision, folks.
Granted it was a great throw, but it was still a poor decision by the Night King. How do we know that he’s not the Brett Favre of White Walkers? The Night King might just be the Night Gunslinger, which is a pretty dope nickname.
Sense of Urgency / Clutch Factor
Now I know that the White Walkers like to go at their own pace. Somehow, after nearly seven seasons they are just about to get to the Wall, while Gendry can sprint back there in about 20 minutes. But the Night King displays an alarming lack of urgency. He was eerily reminiscent of Donovan McNabb in Super Bowl XXXIX.
After downing Viserion, why wouldn’t the Night King speed up his process and toss some ice spears at the remaining dragons? He could’ve ended this war real quick. But I guess that’s why there’ll be a Season 8.
That also hurts his clutch gene. Brady—if you haven’t heard—famously came back from 28-3 in the Super Bowl. Now, that’s clutch. The Night King had a chance to turn the Long Night into a pretty short one. Instead, he took the easy way out by going for the five-yard completion rather than the wide-open touchdown down the seam.
***
Every QB in the NFL, even the great ones, need a strong supporting cast. And it doesn’t get much better than the Wights. They’ve proven to be a solid frontline. If the Wights were an offensive line, they’d rank among the elites in the NFL right behind the Cowboys’ OL. But they surely would be flagged for having too many men on the field.
Despite his glaring weaknesses, the Night King could surely start at least a game in the NFL. I mean, he’s better than anything the Jets or 49ers are throwing out there.
Plus, if he’s really awful, all he has to do is turn everyone on the field into a White Walker. But that’s no fun, that’d be worse than watching the Patriots dominate the NFL for the past two-plus decades. Oh wait...
- LC
The Next Decade in the "John Wick" Franchise
John Wick is the greatest character in cinematic history. There I said it.
My apologies to Indiana Jones, James Bond and Han Solo, but it’s true. It took just two films (and approximately 1,389 deaths*) in this monumental franchise for me to realize that Keanu Reeves, who plays the titular character, delivers his finest work when he just has to shoot a buncha dudes in the face while speaking in a low, gritty voice.
That being said, I’m worried.
Hollywood ruins some of the finest franchises with terrible sequels. The corpses of Reeves’ past great sagas--The Matrix and Speed--are here to prove it. But I refuse to let this tour de force of balletic, yet gratuitous violence go to waste.
I’ve decided to take over as the producer to protect the legacy of the John Wick franchise. And I’ve already planned out the next decade of sequels. You’re welcome, Earth.
*But first a quick tangent. We all love John Wick for its beautifully choreographed action scenes where, once again, dudes get shot IN THE FACE over and over. What really surprised me about Chapter 2 was the magnificent hair. It was so incredible that I would’ve googled “Ruby Rose hair transplant” once I exited the theater if I wasn’t ready to run through a fuckin’ wall. But I digress…
John Wick Hair Rankings:
1) Ruby Rose - I have no shame to say that Rose has some top-notch hair. She went with a low-key side part, but it was incredible. No wonder John Wick wanted to kill her.
2) Keanu Reeves - What can I say? My man’s still got it. Sure, his acting has improved with age, but so has his hair. He really shouldn’t be the Benjamin Button of hair. I’m excited to see what he has in store for Chapter 3.
3) Ian McShane - It’s really unfair to have a dope accent and really cool salt-and-pepper hair.
4) Laurence Fishburne - What? Someone had to be last.
Back to the sequels…
As the Hollywood executive in charge of the next decade of the John Wick franchise, I’ll make sure we have an aggressive shooting schedule of one film per year. If Star Wars can do it, so can we. And speaking of Star Wars…
John Wick: The Last Wick - Now there’s nothing to prove that there aren’t a plethora of little Wicks running around, but it’s safe to assume he’s the last of his name. And if you thought Star Wars: The Last Jedi sounded dark and ominous, you have another thing coming with The Last Wick.
Wicklash - John Wick is an asshole music teacher, but instead of throwing a cymbal at your head, he’ll just shoot it instead.
Good Wick Hunting - After solving an incredibly hard math problem on a whiteboard, John Wick hunts down the professors who try to find him.
Stranger than Wicktion - This time, he’s narrating your death.
Pulp Wicktion - Does John Wick look like a bitch?
The Big Wickowski - “I’m the Wick, so that’s what you call me. That or, uh, His Wickness, or, uh, the Wicker, or El Wickerino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”
Lego John Wick - It might be a little dark, but we’re finally getting a hard R-rated kid's film.
Forrest Wick - We experience some of life’s craziest events (the Trump presidency?!) through the eyes of John Wick. It would be the highlight of my life if Keanu Reeves, in a Forrest Gump accent, said “That’s my gun.”
The Wickinator - Wick plays a killing machine who literally has no weaknesses. Wait a second, isn’t that just the plot of John Wick?
The John Wick-er Man - Admittedly, a weird choice for a John Wick film. We really should’ve done John Wick: Face/Off where he switches faces with Nicolas Cage AND John Travolta. Now that’d be something.
Next up? I’ll save the Paul Blart franchise!
The whirlwind of going (semi)viral (or the march to 💯)
It all happened so fast.
Of course it started at one. But then it was two, then five, then 10. Seconds later it was at 25. Oh, shit! It just got to 50 (shout out to Fiddy). It was then I realized: Holy shit, it's actually happening. My tweet is going viral. IT'S LIT 🔥.
But soon my attitude transformed from amazement to a hunger. An insatiable hunger for more. Is this what it feels like to be the voice of a nation? As Chance the Rapper so eloquently put it, "This is my part, nobody else speak." It's about time the Twittersphere took notice of @CasuallyGinger (follow me!) because I have some great #taeks. But I digress, this was no longer about a hilarious picture that people enjoyed on a social media site filled with soulless mouth breathers who take themselves way too seriously. No, this was about the March to 💯..
The March to 💯
Like anyone who tries to climb the social-media mountain without a famous friend, fake boobs or a sex tape, the March to 💯 was an arduous one, as you can imagine. As amazing as my tweet was, it started to plateau around 88 retweets. All I could think was, "Damn, I really shouldn't have made those t-shirts." Oh, and: "I should probably get a life."
The now-famous tweet had legs, though. It was inching closer and closer to my new life goal that I made 15 minutes prior. After anxiously refreshing my timeline, and kindly asking my friends in my group chat to RT it, It happened. I did it. I finally won social media. Wait, that's selfish of me. I mean WE DID IT FAM 💯..
What does a man do after winning the night on social media? Before I was about to pop bottles ... of water, I had to check Twitter to see the fruits of my labor. I refreshed my timeline and to my amazement I found this ...
Back to being just a drop in the ocean, I guess.
Off to my next social media venture: Becoming an Instagram model. Or, even better, maybe I'll tape a friend admit to cheating on his girlfriend over Snapchat. Nah, snitches get stitches.
- LC
This is how Khloe Kardashian saved Lamar Odom’s life and became female Jesus
It couldn't be.
No. Not Lamar.
As word spread that Lamar Odom, the heart and soul of the Lakers a decade ago, or better known now as the former Kardashian reality star, was in a coma after allegedly overdosing on drugs at a Nevada brothel, I was heartbroken. Odom has long fought his demons, but this was different. Odom is in fight for his life.
But not a moment too soon, there was a ray of sunshine. A glimmer of hope, if I may, that shined on Lamar Odom as he laid on that Nevada hospital bed. That angel's name is Khloe Kardashian, the reality star and future ex-wife of Odom.
Once it was reported that Odom and Kardashian's divorce wouldn't be finalized for another two months, it became clear that Khloe made the decisions over Odom's life. (Yes, it's true. No, I can't believe it either). At first, I thought the only thing a Kardashian should be in control of is her outfit of the day (#ootd). But I was dead wrong.
The Kardashian Klan invaded that Nevada hospital with all that they know: cameras and their undying love. And apparently it was all that LO needed.
That's right. It took just three days of being with Khloe to fight his way out of a life-threatening coma, and improve his dire condition. He responded to his estranged wife's cry of "I love you" with a "Hi." Great, another typical guy who refuses to say "I love you" back. Am I right, ladies?
Come coma or high water, LO better be saying "I love you" back to his future ex-wife, and the woman that controls his life decisions (don’t all women?).
But I digress. This miracle can mean only one thing: Khloe, of all people, is divine.
That's right. She's female Jesus (referred to so forth as "Fesus").
Fesus and the fellow Kardashians are taking this situation so seriously that they have gone to extreme measures to show us how seriously they are taking this.
"As a family we've decided to hold off on publishing content across our apps while we continue to support and pray for Lamar" - The Kardashians (and probably Kanye West)
You know who else didn't post on social media or their apps? You guessed it: Jesus.
Not only will her new ability make for a great episode for Fesus when we're Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but think of all the good she can finally do. She can visit local hospitals and cure the sick. She can lead her newfound religion to heights that only Scientology has reached. She can unite us all behind the future President of the United States, Donald Trump. Trump/Fesus 2016!
At last, a Kardashian with actual talent.
Khloe. Remember: With great power comes great responsibility. I beg of you. Use this power wisely as we all pray for Lamar Odom.
- LC
My Emmy Acceptance Speech
Something shocking and life altering happened back in May. I was informed that I, Lance Cartelli, won an Emmy Award. No, no, that wasn't the shocking and life altering part. That belongs to the fact I wasn't even invited to the Emmy Awards ceremony. Since my invitation must've gotten lost in the mail, along with the big shiny bastard that arrived four months later I affectionately call "Emmy" (creative, I know), I have decided to take this time to thank all the special people in my life, who haven't won Emmy's like I have.
I don't hear any music playing so I shall take my time.
"Thank you. Thank you. No, please, you don't have to clap, scream AND whistle. You all are too gracious. I really don't deserve all this applause. Oh, now you guys are standing? Geez, this is rather overwhelming."
Ten minutes later...
"You guys are still going? Wow."
An hour later...
"SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS HAVE TO STOP! WHY AREN'T YOUR HANDS HURTING FROM CLAPPING SO MUCH? THAT GUY'S HANDS ARE SO RED. SIR, YOU HAVE TO STOP CLAPPING. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
"Ahhhh finally. Thank you. I really want to get into deep, deep detail about all the special people who have touched me throughout my life that led me to this day. This day... Yes, this day is one of my finest moments. Not as fine as the day I actually won my Emmy, but still, it's up there. Maybe you'll understand one day.
"This isn't just a resume booster, this propels me into the stratosphere of Emmy Award-winners. I join the likes of the cast and crew of "Two and Half Men" in the Emmy fraternity of brothers and sisters who have poured, blood and tears into their craft. No longer can I go by my God-given white name of Lance Cartelli. Like Cassius Clay's move to Muhammad Ali, my gravestone will read: Lance "Emmy Winner" Cartelli, Son, Friend, Gracious Lover, Emmy Award-winner, Hero. I don't even care if that's repetitive.
"Now, I know what you are asking yourself: What will Lance "Emmy Winner" Cartelli do next? And to them I reply, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business, chief?' There have been talks about a "30 for 30" based on my life, so I can win another Emmy. I'm also in the process of Inceptioning the producers of "Game of Thrones" so I can go for the EGoT. Not the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony but the Emmy and appearing (and dying) on "GoT." But now, it's all history and by that I mean, I'm a historical figure.
"I can't say enough about all the people who have helped me on my way to this accomplishment, so why even say anything at all?
"But now it's time for me to stand up straight and bid you all adieu. No seriously, you have to have proper posture, it's in the Emmy handbook."
Here's to the speech that nobody wanted, but everyone expected.
- Lance "Emmy Winner' Cartelli